Thursday, October 11, 2007

Learning all the time

Me included.

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This morning I couldn't sleep. It was early and I knew Alec would be up, he's been back on more of a night schedule lately. I thought I'd go down to him and see how Half Life 2 Episode 2 was going. He was already done with it and was reading some wikipedia stuff about it.

I've been feeling like I haven't been able to spend much time with him lately so I asked him how the game was, he answers, "good".

hmmmmm... I'm thinking. So I ask "was it fun?" He says, "yes".

That's all he says. I'm feeling like, here I'm trying to talk and you're not wanting to...grumble, grumble.... I leave him alone a bit.

Later we go upstairs to get him some food and I ask, "so what was fun about it?" He kind of thinks and says, "I don't know, it was just fun. It was more fun than Portal. If that's what you want to know." OK, he's probably getting annoyed with me now. But do I stop? ugh, no.

I reply "well, I just thought maybe you would want to elaborate on the game. Why you liked it, why it was fun. I just felt like we hadn't had much time together lately and wanted to talk with you about what you had been doing."

He doesn't know what to say. Here, his mother is obviously the needy one in this scenario, and he's probably just wanting to go to bed. He kind of shrugs. We exchange a few more comments and he understands, but I'm sure, is annoyed with me.

So I pushed and pushed him and he felt pressure.

Not a good morning for me as a mom. I don't do this as much as I used to, but it still comes out. I think it's residue of the controlling parent I'm hoping to leave behind. I hope he went to bed OK, I apologized and I think he shrugged me off, but I truly wish I wouldn't have pushed. I should have just been happy to listen to what he had to say and see that this morning wasn't going to be much of a bonding time. If I would have been up with him while he was playing it, it would have been a totally different thing, but I wasn't. And instead of just accepting that, I forced my agenda..wanting to be in touch with someone who wasn't wanting it at that time.

Always learning right?

And then I get this Daily OM~ spot on. I think it's very relevant to fostering wonderful parent/child relationships and other relationships as well. I know I need to remember it.

Lessons Of Reflection

When we care about people, we want to save them from pain by offering them the benefit of our experience. Sometimes we feel like we know what is best for them. Sometimes, like when their safety is involved, we need to step in, but those times are rare. More often we find ourselves becoming frustrated when our close friends or family members do not use our relationship insights or follow our dietary advice, and this is where we find our challenge. We may even find ourselves becoming angry when they choose another path. This strength of feeling is usually a sign that our motivations go beyond merely helping another to indicate that there is a lesson there for us.

First, we need to keep in mind that each of us is on our own path and that we all learn differently. When we trust the universe, we know that there is a higher power at work that knows what is best for our loved one. Since we do not want to deny them experiences of deep feeling that are essential steps in the growth of their spirit, we can instead offer them our counsel. After we have given our gift, it is time to release it, along with our expectations of them and their choices, with love.

Once that is done, we can remind ourselves that our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly in the reflection. That is why it is easier for us to see solutions to other people’s problems than to see answers for our own. We can also learn from these experiences when we ask ourselves if we ever do the same thing. Maybe we do not share experiences with relationships, but we do with our finances or our food choices. In being willing to look at ourselves and see why we are being irritated by what other people choose to do with their lives, we can be like an oyster and make irritations into pearls. With these pearls of wisdom, we learn to release the desire for control over others and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own.



Deanne said...

Wow, this post was written for me, wasn't it? ;) I have a son who uses words very sparingly, and it has been quite a challenge for me to learn to accept this! I also couldn't sleep last night, up to 4a.m., much of my running thoughts comsuned with how to better connect with my kids AND the issues with my parents that the Daily Om you shared addressed PERFECTLY! I'll be sharing that with my parents for sure!
Hope you have a great day connecting with your kiddos, and not being too groggy. ;)
Love ya!

Tina H. said...

This is so what is going on lately with Nick and I. I'm just having to realize that he is at a quiet and thoughtful stage of processing life.
It is so hard. Especially because I can feel left out. Which brings it all back to me once again. Ugh!
Loved the quoted thoughts.

tribalmama said...

Musta been written by an unschooler? Sheesh! Spot on is right! :) Hug your kids for me! xxx ooo

mindy said...

Very much hear your words and the Daily Om. It's the agenda thing I've got to work on.

diana-still-evolving said...

Thanks for bringing the Daily Om to me, I'm always amazed and grateful when it's spot on with my life's rhythm :) It's a gift to show our kids we're still evolving too, it *really* is about the journey ♥

Madeline said...

I was playing Clue with Jesse this morning and I won. He was sad, in a very big way. I kept trying to talk to him about it and he finally said, "Mommy, you're not letting me be sad!" :/ I need a muzzle, I swear. Or more patience. This post was perfect timing for me, for both my kids' sake.

Sandra Dodd said...

I'm having a "HELLO, remember non-attachment!?" day in my head, so that Om was great. Not great in a soothing way. I would rather have reassurance that I *can* cling to and control and mend other people.

I'm doing fine with my kids. I have an estranged younger adult friend I'm worried about, but he's grown, he's bright, and he knows where I am. And I do know, for sure, that had I not crowded and bugged him he would've been around longer and maybe still. Someday he might be back. But today he's not and the tendrils haven't all dried up and fallen off. Darn me and my occasional vinish behavior. ;)

Sleep's like magic. I bet Alec wasn't grumpy when he came out the other end of a bunch of sleep.

piscesgrrl said...

I get the daily OM too, and it's often quite serendipitous. We all have our moments where we slip back into old patterns - they're so insidious sometimes! But you're aware of it and can make ammends and make it better for next time. I echo Diana that it's a powerful thing for our kids to see that we are still evolving too!

Kim said...

Hi Kelli,
Although we've not met, for years now I've been reading, benefitting and identifying with the Unschool Information forum site and inparticular over the past year, I've been reading many blogs created by unschoolers(probably mostly Live and Learn families.)

Nice to meet you.

Your learning moment post was particularly close to my heart as I bounce up against my need for connection with our 14 year old son, Wes, and his need for space, privacy, and internal solitude.

For months now I've described the shift and development he is in the midst of as, "he's walking over the man-bridge...and although he may desire my support, he won't need me in the ways I've been familiar with. Daily, I remember to trust his process and look for those openings he offers up.

And altough it's not always convenient, I look for opportunities to say "yes" to late night dvd viewings...or his commentary and excitement about Halo 3...or anything that would have once made my eyes glaze over!

I've also really found an "In" with being at my computer and he being in his room and up pops "yahoo chat" and it's Wes sending me links and having general chit chat...somehow that medium is easier and probably more fun for him.

I love your blog by-the-by!

Warm regards,
On the coast of Maine

Snavleys said...

Obviously that Daily OM hit a note for a lot of people. For me it was more about my relationship with my stepmom, ughh. I know the feeling though, wanting to be completely connected with our kids and sometimes they just want to be left alone at "that" moment. Yep, old habits are hard to break, especially when they've been drilled in from birth. Don't beat yourself up about it. He probably went to bed actually feeling really good that his mom cares, even if he was a little annoyed.